For your amusement

I think you'll really enjoy this best-of post that I came across on craigslist.

The kind of Landlord I am

1. Responsible for the weather
My building manager called to say one of the tenants wanted a discount for the days it was hot outside. Why? Because it was also hot inside. Their electricity is fine. They could run both air conditioners and fans and keep a supply of popsicles, just like I did in my apartment. My response: Will you pay extra if the weather is nice?

2. In charge of the animal kingdom
A tenant complained about mice. I sent over an exterminator several times. He stuffed steel wool in holes, baited traps, sprayed outside etc. Eventually he refused to go back because the tenant continued to leave open packages of food on the floor and counters. She insisted I was responsible for the problem. As if I commanded the mice to invade her house.

3. Menace to domesticated animals
One tenant was convinced I was poisoning her and her wooly mammoth dog with carbon monoxide. (What will I think of next?) Fire department went over there. Gas company went over there. City of Evanston sent an inspector. Everyone who tested got the same result. No discernable level. She tried to deduct $200 from her rent to pay for her vet bill. This woman also accused me of running a bicycle chop shop in the basement. And wanted me to compensate her for a parking ticket she got in front of my building.

4. Pet killer
I hired a carpenter to fix something. With the tenant’s permission, the carpenter went into the apartment. Apparently the act of opening the door scared the dog. The dog ran down a set of internal stairs, bumped his head and died six weeks later. This story was condensed to “Landlord killed my dog.” There are several neighbors who will not even say hi to me. One of whom made it his mission to make sure my landscaping is always in 100% compliance with arcane City ordinances.

5. Made of money
Tenant asked to break her lease because the price of her anti-depressants went up. No mention of the car she just purchased. Maybe she thought the hint of mental illness would scare or embarass me. She was three months into a twenty four month lease. 24 month lease she specifically asked for.

6. Heartless
Contrary to popular belief, I do not enjoy evicting single mothers at Christmas time. It takes months to evict and the landlord rarely recoups the back rent or court costs. FYI, I do not think it is more important to make your car payment. Thanks for asking.

Please pay your rent on time and remember, I am not omnipotent or an evil genius. A lease is a business arrangement.
And one more thing, why oh why wait until Sunday at 8pm to call and say your heat has been out since Friday afternoon? You call immediately if the microwave burns your popcorn.

Biff and I haven't had any incidents like the ones mentioned here... but it's only a matter of time.